Love Advice To End Your Love Life – Threesomes

So I was talking to a fellow comedian about a premise on bisexual girlfriends. He had a funny bit that sparked a recollection of a joke I once wanted to tell. Don’t worry, comedy police, the jokes are very different. The point of this post is because I always wanted to tell my piece but never found a place for it in my set. So instead, I offer it as a piece of advice… love advice.

Don’t ever beg your girlfriend for a threesome.

I’ve met a lot of girls that drop bisexuality as a quality with equal ease as “and I like hip hop.” Both of these “facts” are just lines. She’s trying to show off. Trust me, she doesn’t know about the Liquid Swords album and she really isn’t into girls like that.

70% of these girls have only made out with their friends when they’re drunk. 15% may have done a little more with a hot chick once. That’s not a big plus because lets be honest, who doesn’t want to do a little more with a hot chick. Even dogs hump a hot chick’s leg a little longer than others. The last 15% may really be into girls and guys but they aren’t into girls and guys at the same time. Like mustard and mayonnaise, it’s usually better to just go with one sauce at a time or have plenty of napkins ready. Why does she say this, fellas? The same reason you tell her you know a little Spanish. It’s a sexy quality that you can unleash from time to time and impress each other with, comprende?

Here’s the mistake you make as a guy. You get excited and you encourage it. Co-workers, best friends, random strangers that bump into you at CVS. They are all fair game now. Then you bring it up and bring it up and bring it up and bring it up while whispering and… Now she’s annoyed. She regrets ever mentioning it.

Here’s what to do:

Girlfriend: I’m a little bisexual.

You: Cool. What is the name of that new Denzel movie?

There you go. Do that. She’ll try to bring it up again.

Girlfriend: The way that girl is dancing is sexy. Ooo!

You: Flight! That’s what it is.

When you hear the words, “I’m bisexual”, don’t ever get excited. Don’t ever bring up any close encounters you may have had. Don’t ever say, “Me too.” (I accidentally did that. One of my best friends was next to me and the look I got from him… Still don’t know why I said that.) Just let it be.

If you persist in pushing the issue, your girlfriend will have a threesome. You just won’t be there… or in her phone… or on her facebook… or in her life.

Now, if you are the lucky 3% of guys that slip on the threesome banana peel, high five yourself and never be the first one to bring it up. It happened and no one cares and I hate you.

As for you ladies, no guy you date will ever want to hear about how you once had a threesome. You should only say it after you just had one… as a footnote. And yes, I’m talking to you… you know who you are.

A girl once that kept asking me what I thought about it and I said, “Yeah, that’s cool and all but so is a slam dunk.” Then I threw a basketball at her face.

Just joking. I said, “Yeah, that’s cool and all but the proof is in the pudding.” Yes, I actually said that. (One of my best friends was next to me and he threw a basketball in my face.)

If I ever have a threesome though, I might finally have an end to that joke. What lucky lady wants a writer’s credit?


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