The Real End of the World!

Dec. 21, 2012. That’s the infamous date. People are building bunkers, learning Krav Maga and stocking up on dehydrated eggs in preparation for the “apocalypse”. No one is certain what will happen but I have a theory that the end of the world will actually begin in Sept. 2013.

Let me start by explaining that I don’t think the world is going to end, especially on a specific day. That is next to impossible. Destroying a planet has to take at least a few weeks, right? If an asteroid collides into earth and creates another ice age, people will still have time to fill their I-Pods with a “living underground mix”.

The destruction of our species will happen when the world can no longer sustain us. It will be an eventual end, not an immediate one. The biggest factor for minimal resources is a steady and growing population. People are living longer now. There are people on this earth that lived through the first microwave and the last episode of Lost. We have a tendency to want everything to live as long as possible. Every other month some group is trying to save a suicidal whale. They are forcing him back into an ocean we ruin on a pretty continuous schedule. Here’s the catch. The world is going to keep living until the sun explodes. The world will not “end”; it will just have one major fever. Dec. 21, 2012 is only important because of all the dirty, raw sex happening on that day.

Give people a reason to party and we’ll live it up like we don’t want to wake up the next morning. Massive celebrations will be had on Dec. 21st. Huge unnatural orgies will break out on that day. We’re talking Furries and Latex fetishes combining unnatural. People want to go out in a bang and what better bang than banging everything you can. The misconception about the end is people expect everything to be gone in a flash. They believe they’re going to disintegrate into a holy dust cloud and be Swiffered up by Jesus. On Dec 22, 2012 everyone who didn’t quit will be calling into work. On Dec. 23 people are going to recount all the shit they did two nights before. “I survived the End of the World again!” t-shirts will be selling like crazy. It’ll be a big laugh. Christmas will be around the corner and Dick Clark will not come back as a zombie in time for New Years.

Then nine months will go by. The “End of the World” babies will start making an appearance. Babies only provide one thing… poop.

Historical Proof: When soldiers returned to the US after WW2, they banged so much they ruined our Social Security. The US can’t afford all the Baby Boomers still running around today. No one in 1945 could have predicted this.

Now we take that concept, introduce the End of the World and spread this all over the planet! The human population might explode from large to extra massive. If babies are considered angels, “End of the World” babies are angels of death. Parking lot pampers everywhere!

I think you get the gist of it. Our penises and vaginas are the end of the world.

In order for us to really prepare, we need to remind everyone that tomorrow will always come. Don’t fall for the “End of World” pick up lines (Screw you, Ne-yo) and wait at least a week to have, “I survived the supposed End of the World” protected sex. Do it in a bunker if it makes you feel better.

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