Joke Graveyard

This is where my jokes go after I feel like I don’t need them anymore. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better since I’ve written them. I’ll update more later. 🙂

Precious?!? They just threw everything in that movie. It’s about an illiterate, pregnant chick with AIDS who was twice molested by her father, has one inbred baby and another on the way. The only way they could make that story worse is if the baby she gave birth to was a diabetic puppy that ran out into the street and got run over by a truck full of Splenda.
— Cause of Death: Topical joke that was only performed to make open micers’ laugh. This joke was rarely told in front of a real audience.

Biker rallies are like Red Neck Spring Break. I saw a lot of expired titties. Scary looking. “Does that titty have an ankle bracelet? I think it’s smoking on a Marlboro Mild.”
— Cause of Death: I stopped performing at biker rallies.

You see crazy things at a biker rally. I saw a “plus size” strip tease show. The first stripper was so big, she did one spin around the pole and had an asthma attack. Instead of glitter, she had chocolate sprinkles. She called herself Little Debbie. I was like, “That’s ironic”. The next chick was named Queen Koopa. I jumped on her three times and she turned into a flute.
— Cause of Death: I stopped performing at biker rallies.

Because of bullying, people are saying kid’s are more homophobic now. Kid’s are not homophobic! Kids are just assholes. They’ve always been assholes. You want to stop bullies? Bring back the nuclear bomb scare! Remind these little shits that they can die. Because it’s hard to call someone a fag when you’re under a desk with your ass up in the air.
— Cause of Death: I love the idea of the joke, just not easy to pull off. It might resurrect someday.

There’s tons of songs inspired by pregnancy scares. Tainted Love is one. (sings) Once I ran to you, now I run from you. Even the Partridge Family had one. (sings) I think I love you but what am I so afraid of. I’m afraid that I’m not sure of a love there is no cure for. (act out: Rubbing belly)
— Cause of Death: Those were the only two songs I could come up with that reminded me of pregnancy scares.

John McCain may not be the next president but he does have a great movie coming out. I can’t wait to see him on Gran Torino!
— Cause of Death: Topical and cheesy.

Rappers don’t tell the truth anymore. That’s why I liked Biggie. His lyrics were real. He had lyrics like, “I’m sitting in my kitchen…” Yes, you were Biggie, that’s exactly where you were. Because if he said, “I’m sky diving…” I’d be like, “Don’t lie to me! You aren’t jumping out of a plane with a little man strapped to your back.” Alternative Ending: Because if he said, “I’m on a trampoline…” I’d be like, “Don’t lie to me! You didn’t get up there all by yourself!”
— Cause of Death: Over 10 years too late. This was just my attempt at being a silly.

Doesn’t it feel like we are at a church that believes in the wrong Jesus? “All rise in the name of Kung Fu Christ.”
— Cause of Death: The venue was big and the crowd was small and spread out. It was just a joke for that night only. For some reason, I actually wrote it down.

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