Dude, she took what?!?

So here’s one of my first road stories.

My buddy got he and I booked on a road gig. Besides being paid for comedy finally, we didn’t have to worry about gas. His girlfriend at the time was going to drive us all the way. No money loss.

It was Corpus Christi, TX. Big time! The city was so new to us, we got lost for a little. The whole drive we planned a weekend. We’d go to the beach, eat some seafood, etc.

We were performing at a place called “Porky’s” and “Bourbon St”. It was two places in one. The stage was built above the bar. Probably meant for dancers but tonight it was comedy night. I had my lavender Express shirt on and a necktie. Yeah, I was being fancy.

The promoter hosted the show. I decide to record this set because I thought I was ready to make a CD with barely two years of comedy under my belt. This was a special night.

I get onstage and I give the crowd my all. Who cares that you could hear all the drinks being made right under me. I did great… probably. My buddy goes up and does great too. This was a cool gig. The promoter loved it. The crowd loved it. I caught the eye of a pretty lady in a group of dudes. The odds would have been against me if I had just been some jackass in a lavender shirt but I was a funny jackass in a lavender shirt.

I hung out with the group. My buddy walked off with his girl to another bar. I didn’t need him. I had a girl to flirt with.

The rest of the night was pretty standard compared to what happens to me after shows. The group and I end up going to another bar. One of the dudes in the group reveals to me that he has always liked the pretty girl. He tells me it’s cool she likes me. They want to drive me to another part of the city. Even though I’ve never been in Corpus and I wouldn’t know how to get a ride back, I let them. That’s the power of pretty girls. You’ll let yourself get lost for them. I walk down a dock with her, we kiss once and then we walk back. Oh man, I’m a superstar!

Then I look at my phone. 3:30 AM Missed Call. I check the message. “Dude, come back to the hotel.” My phone dies.

Son of a bitch! I could have gotten a second kiss if it wasn’t for that phone call.

They drive me back. I say goodbye to my new friends who I’ve never hung out with again since. I take the elevator up to my buddy’s hotel room, knock on the door and he flings the door open.

Everything is destroyed in his room. The mirror on the restroom door is broken. The paintings that were screwed into the wall were ripped off. The TV was on the floor. The ironing board was bent at a 45 degree angle. Mess everywhere. I think, “How the hell do you bend an ironing board?”

He tells me his story. When he went to the other bar, his girl met up with an old friend. A sleazy old friend who liked to touch her. My buddy didn’t approve of this. His girl defends her sleazy friend. They were all drunk. She and her sleazy friend divulge in a little of the booger sugar. My buddy and her argued. She takes off to the hotel with her sleazy friend. An undetermined amount of time later, my buddy heads to the hotel. Room is destroyed. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

“It’s not so bad” is what I say as I pick up the TV. The screen is discolored because the TV hit the ground so hard. Ok… it’s bad.

I say, “Just move your stuff into my room and we’ll take off in the morning.” Here’s where the situation got situation-ier.

“She took off to Dallas.” WHAT?!? She stranded us in Corpus. 6 hours from home. Now I understand being mad at him and leaving him but me!!!

I have a plan. I call my girlfriend in Dallas. Yes, I had a girlfriend at the time. She was terrible and if you have heard my relationship jokes, they are almost all about her. Back to the story. I ask her if she could drive down in my car and pick us up from Corpus. It’s 4 AM. She would have to hurry because we had to leave before the cleaning ladies get to his room. She heads out and comes our way. So we have 6 hours to kill.

We go to Whataburger. We eat. I talk about my night. My buddy tries to explain more of what happened. I don’t remember what we did for the other 5 hours but night became day and time was ticking away.

9:30 AM. My girl is on the outskirts of Corpus. I’m giving her the best directions I can being that I didn’t drive in and this was before everyone had GPS. Still in the 2000’s but that weird time before we all were hooked in the Matrix. I think the last Matrix had come out that weekend.

9:45 AM. She’s on the last highway to us. We see the cleaning ladies at the end of our hallway. OH MAN OH MAN!

9:55 AM. The cleaning ladies get to my room. We pretend to be wrapping up. Nothing has been touched in the room. Not even the mint was eaten.

9:57 AM. My phone rings. She’s at the Whataburger across the street. We grab our bags, hit the elevator and watch as the cleaning ladies get to his room.

We briskly walk to my car. My girlfriend is exhausted. She jumps in the back, we jump in the car and take off. GOODBYE CORPUS!

10:15 AM My buddy’s phone rings. It’s the promoter. “What happened to the room? Oh man, I slept in Nick’s room. They checked the tapes? Two people headed to the room? They were arguing? It must’ve been my chick and her friend. People complained about loud arguments? I don’t know what happened I wasn’t even there. I was drinking at a bar. No, I wasn’t in my room the whole trip.” Sounds like he’s getting away with it. My buddy hangs up the phone.

“They found my drivers license in the room. Fuck!”

I ask, “So… you want to get a breakfast taco?”

The audio I recorded that night is in a box somewhere. I listened to it once and never made it into a CD.

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