Things I Don’t Want to See Anymore

In the spirit of Abigail Evans’s extremely cute video, I also have a few things I’m tired of. This list grows and grows for me everyday. Here’s 7 things.

1. Special Effect Baby Videos – Are we really still impressed with what a computer generated baby can do? I get it! It’s something adorable doing something outrageous which makes it outrageously adorable. There has been only two times I was impressed with anything computer generated: Jurassic Park and instant porn. Everything after that is really just a, “Oh yeah, they can do that with computers now.” But a new video of some baby doing crazy shit pops up almost every month. When babies stop being polite and start being real is the only time I laugh my ass off. Please every video editor, delete babies off your computer. It’s not cute and its borderline creepy.

2. Lines at Stores – Oh my god, people! You make America look bad. We look like a bunch of pricks waiting for some new gadget that is only going to be overstocked in two weeks. You’re the reason everyone thinks unemployment has gone up! I know when I see people outside a store in a sleeping bag, I don’t think “These are some tech savvy geniuses”. I think, “Everytime an Apple store pops up in a neighborhood, shit gets bad.” I get it! You want to prove you are the geekiest of them all. “Nerd chic is in.” Yeah but “Smelly Chic” will never be.

3. Park Place – Fucking McDonald’s! Every year, I get 6 Park Places and no sign of Boardwalk. How about you just print one and let that person actually feel special. The first Park Place is the most exciting but the second makes me lose faith in every contest ever. One Park Place! One Boardwalk! Now that’s a rush! I get it! You want everyone to feel like they have a chance. It doesn’t work out like that. You make everyone feel terrible because it’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife! Then you realize you have 10,000 spoons and you feel like an ass because no one has that much soup! You get the picture!

4. Terrible Concert Footage – Stop with recording live performances! Your shitty phone can barely record you singing shitty in your shitty car! Here’s an idea: Just enjoy the song! Maybe even dance! Doesn’t anyone dance at concerts anymore! Unless you are in the front row, all you are getting footage of is everyone recording in front of you! And then you post it on Youtube, which is now full of your shitty concert footage and shitty computer baby videos! I get it! “Oh man, this is happening! And I’m here!” Yeah but you aren’t even in the video, unless you’re the jackass that turns to himself only to give the dorkiest wide ass smile for half a second. You aren’t even centered in your own video. All you end up recording is everyone behind you recording what the hell is in front of you!

5. Pop Stars Covering “Lose Yourself” – Ok, Kelly Clarkson was the most legit because she did it in Detroit and had a gray hoodie. That’s where it needs to end. And she did it right, she did the entire song, sans curse words. She didn’t just sing the first verse and then smile like a big dork who just filmed himself at the concert. I get it! You want to show your fans you have street cred. Then go all the way and do a DMX song. Don’t worry, he’ll never find out. He doesn’t know how to google himself.

6. Lists about Show Cancellations – Yeah, they got cancelled because no one watched them. Why would anyone want to see them as a still picture on a list. I don’t get it!

7. Nicki Minaj – She hasn’t worked hard enough to be as much of a diva as she acts like. She’s had no fingerprint in the music industry. She revolutionized nothing. She once rhymed nothing with nothing. How are you going to run out of things to spit with only two actual albums out? I get it! You’re a girl. That ain’t enough to be a diva. She dresses all crazy because that’s the only way she’ll get recognized. Real divas get recognized wearing hoodies, glasses and baseball caps. And that’s nothing to spit at.

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