The No Pregnancy Pledge

2013 is officially 10 months away. Many people think the world is going to end before that. So what does that mean… End of the World Sex! It will probably be sloppy, sad and unprotected on that day.

If you believe in the end of the world then you believe in preparation for it. I can’t think of any better way then to stop having kids as soon as possible. So here’s what I propose. Starting by at least April 1st, we all agree to no longer have unprotected sex. This will result in little to no babies in the beginning of 2013. Lets kill of the growth of this doomed population. The following is my petition. Read it and feel free to sign up for the cause.

I promise beginning on April 1st, 2012 that I will not make an attempt at having a baby for a year. This does not mean I will stop having sex, it just means I will stop having unprotected sex.

I will cut down on drunk sex as it impairs my patience for preparation.

I understand the rising gas prices are a sign that the cost of living is going up. If I can barely afford to keep myself alive at times, why do I believe I can provide for another helpless human.

I will consider the growing population of the planet each time I’m about to mount someone. The resources of our planet need a break from us.

Adoption is an option. Plenty of stupid people already had kids they couldn’t handle, might as well give those kids a chance.

Male: I admit that I am the biggest factor in accidental children. It is my duty to take the extra 30 – 60 seconds to wrap up my unit from the tip all the way to the base. I will also throw in a few pubic hairs to ensure a grip inside the condom. This may hurt in the removal of said condom but the discomfort will not compare to the discomfort of being woken up by a screaming child. I realize that sex is not a race and the girl will not disappear if I take the extra precaution. If the girl protests, no matter how sexy she is, she is probably insane and would make a terrible baby mama. Having a child with an insane woman is the stupidest thing I can ever do in my life. I will always carry around condoms with no embarrassment because this means I’m prepared to get down. If I do not have a condom, I will be satisfied with at least a handjob. No complaints.

Female: I will take the word “Hurry” out of my dirty talk arsenal. If I’m in that much of a rush, I’m setting myself up for terrible sex. I will also carry around condoms because it’s better to be a smart slut than a pregnant one. If I know I want to have someone inside me, I will not make them wait all night resulting in their fear that “if it doesn’t happen now, it’ll never happen”. By eliminating the waiting game, I involuntarily encourage prepared sex, the guy will be less tired and the sex will probably be 10x better than what I’m used to. The early bird gets the worm early and has time for a song. I will also consider oral sex more often even if it makes me a little ill. Remember, a temporary stomach ache is better than a 9 month destruction of my body. The least I can offer is a handjob. Guys will still take it.

If I’m a parent, I will be content with the amount of children I currently have. I have passed on my lineage and it’s not like practice makes perfect with children.

If I’m a teenager, I will not be embarrassed to ask for condoms. It’s a much easier conversation than “Guess who’s gonna be a grandma.”

If I’m a parent of a teenager, I will acknowledge the age I was thinking about sex and tell my child, “If you take your rocket out of your pocket, put a shield on before you stick it in the socket.” That rhyme itself will hinder my child from sex.

I also understand that there will be children born next year but at least I didn’t have one. And that’s pretty fucking cool.

Print it out, pass it around, sign it. Do whatever you can. Lets stop new babies in 2013.

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