The Bitter Years

After a hometown show, I asked a friend I’ve known since high school what she remembered about me in my teen years. My memories tend to be in snapshots instead of full memories so I lose details of my life almost instantly. She told me, while laughing, “You were always so bitter with girls.” That’s when my tendency to write jokes about women really started to make sense.

Quick side story.

Ever since I was young, I loved puzzles. Nothing makes me happier than sitting at a table and working on puzzles. Any kind really. Something about analyzing pieces, developing a strategy and logically attacking an obstacle made me feel at peace. I remember always starting with the edges, then putting colors and sometimes similar shapes together. Putting in the last piece was so satisfying since I know people usually just give up and throw it back in the box.

People are puzzles to me. I analyze and study friends, families and situations. Now since I’ve never wanted to date a guy, I usually analyze women more. Just the way I was born. Don’t hold it against me.

From the first day of horny, I used to always feel like the girls I wanted were never in my reach. I felt like no matter what I tried, I couldn’t put together the right things to say. I didn’t know the right clothes to wear. Baggy was in style but baggy looks terrible on scrawny. Like really bad. Looks like your always getting ready for bed. I think I was cute but I remember just seeing some of my best friends get girls like nothing (at least that’s how it felt). I had a girlfriend in high school and I always was a flirt. I enjoyed making women laugh and just being around them. But there was always what felt like more failure than victory when it came to girls. This feeling lasted for… okay, I think it’s still there.

The only difference from then and now is I realize why women weren’t attracted to me. I realize why most men are so bitter to women during the ages of 13 – 28. And the problem is yourself, fellas.

What is attractive to women? Men who have experience. What don’t young guys have? Experience. I’m not talking about experience in bed. I mean in anything. The reason you, guy, can get her is because you have nothing to offer her until you take care of yourself.

You’re boring! You keep asking questions but you provide no insight. A woman doesn’t want to sit at a bar, answering questions that make her analyze her own life. She can do that without a creepy guy trying his hardest to get his hand close to a butt cheek.

Women want a man who is dedicated to his life. They want a man that has something he loves doing. He is mastering his hobbies, his career and himself. She won’t want to be your everything until you have something else to keep you busy. Get off your ass and go live some stories. Ambition makes them horny. Earn your own accomplishments. Don’t live off someone else’s. No one likes the guy that brags about what everyone around him is doing.

Just like no one like the girl who hasn’t done shit also.

If you and her are still finding a life goal, you essentially have nothing to talk about. And we’ve all seen those couples. All they have is each other. Sounds romantic but it’s so lame. Eventually the both of you are going to be like, “Don’t you have something else to do? Can’t you at least collect stamps? Is the most interesting thing about you me?!?”

Also, those guys you think are hooking up with everything, well… they really are hooking up with everything. If sex was seasonal fruit, they are hooking up with a couple of strawberries, some grapes, one pineapple and mostly honeydew. And not even the juicy part of honeydew.

So before you become bitter and spiteful towards love, just realize that the more you’ve done in life, the better it is when you want to attract. You have to do more than just attach the edges.

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