My Interview With Lupe, proud mother of a professional mountain climber!

On a foggy Tuesday afternoon, I found myself outside what looked like a double-cabana-shack hybrid. I can’t fathom any architect that would design such an abode so I just assumed it was self built by the person I’m here to interview. As I waited for my interviewee to come back from her kitchen with a “cafe de olla” I glanced out into the horizon where I could see a beautiful river cutting in front of two grand mountains. This residence was 50 miles from any major city so the air was a bit fresher than what I experienced when I arrived at LAX earlier that morning for my flight. I was about to daze off into my own thoughts when I couldn’t help but notice a team of “rancheros” dressed in matching Under Armour outfits running on a self beaten track. Every 25 ft or so they would stop, do a couple of burpees and continue. Seeing that let me know I was in a community that prided themselves on professionalism over just having a hobby. That’s when Lupe, my interviewee, came back out with two cups of cafe de olla and a plate of “pan dulce”.

Lupe was a 47 yr old mother of 3, her eldest had just celebrated his 18th birthday. She pointed him out as the fastest one in the group of men I had been watching.

Lupe: That’s my mijito. He has been preparing for this journey his entire life.

Nick (Me): He looks really fit. Very athletic.

L: I do what I can to bulk him up. All his pan dulce is sprinkled with whey protein. Every morning, I go to the chickens and I get two fresh eggs and I go to the goats and get two cups of fresh milk for him.

N: That must be great for such rigorous training.

L: It has to be. Professional mountain climbing is life or death. You know, his dad is in Arizona. His dad had it easy. He just had to pretend to be a car seat to get across.

N: Simpler times.

L: Ah, si. Simpler times. But like we’ve been told, you want to be part of America, you better be in top physical condition like an average American. You have to be a straight A student like them. Have a great work ethic like them or you’ll never make it. That’s why I stayed here. I like to play on Facebook.

N: Oh, you have a Facebook.

L: Oh yes, yes. It’s how I keep up with my husband. He sends me .. como se dice.. Jifs?

N: Gifs.

L: Those. Ha ha! Y memes. Over here in Mexico, we call them meemees.

N: I can’t even understand that. Ha ha!

L: Ha ha! Yes, we are so different. All I want is to be a great mother and a great wife. That’s why I stayed here in Mexico. I watch the Housewives. I don’t even know how to complain like them. Ha ha!

N: That should be an Olympic event. Ha ha! So how do you feel knowing that your son is becoming a “professional mountain climber”?

L: I mean, I’m a little scared. Mountain climbing takes years of training and practice. But you know, for some reason, Mexicans just have it.

N: I’ve noticed that. Every time I see day laborers working, I just know their skills and talent are going to waste. I feel like they only break a sweat so the gringos don’t get their feelings hurt.

L: Ah yes, the gringos love seeing Mexicans sweat. That makes gringos happy and they don’t litter as much.

N: It’s funny you bring that up. I was reading a report from a famous Mexican scientist. There was a study conducted down here to explore what made gringos the happiest.

L: Rodrigo Garza’s theory of Gringo Grinning! I love that study.

N: Yes, it said the top things that made gringos happy were tiny puppies, new Starbucks specials, wasting money and Mexicans who sweat while working. The things that didn’t make them happy were old dogs that aren’t theirs, movies with an all black cast and when Mexicans are seen doing anything but working.

L: And don’t forget Mexicans that don’t act like Mexicans.

N: Oh yes, Mexicans who stand up for themselves and are actually from the US.

L: It’s a shame that US born men with Mexican heritage scare the gringos so much. It’s as if they are a reminder that most of the US was actually Mexico at one point.

N: Lets not speak too loudly about that. Ha ha ha! When did your eldest take interest in professional mountain climbing?

L: His Tia Nene, my sister, did it. She climbed that mountain there with her two infant kids and a couple of gallons of water. She now lives in Chicago, where I hear there are no mountains. Nene is just a few years younger than me. She’s about 5’3 and when he found out that she made it, he knew it was possible. Professional Mountain Climbing is no easy task.

N: Unless you’re Mexican, of course.

L: Like I said before, we just have it.

N: Where does he hope to end up once he’s in the US?

L: Oh, I think he’s going to work with his father for a little bit. You know, in Arizona the construction companies really like to use Mexicans. It’s solid work. The gringos who own these companies are also good at keeping up appearances. They walk around with their MAGA caps and vote for Trump just to throw off their conservative compadres. They chant “build a wall” but only because they know it won’t do anything but waste money.

N: Which is what gringos love.

L: Ha ha ha! Yes, yes! It makes them so happy to see their tax money go to nothing. Big walls, expensive golf trips, dining sets and now I hear they have a parade planned.

N: I know. Because it’s not apparent that the US has a big military, we need to show it off to ourselves.

L: America is such a great country. So much money to waste. So many intelligent and fit people. All the best people with the most words. I’m so proud that maybe my mijito might be able to be paid under that table by such great people.

N: How proud would you be to find out that your son professionally climbed those two mountains only to end up working in building the new border wall?

L: Please be still my heart! I would be so happy. Then in 10 years when that wall gets torn down because it didn’t do shit, I’ll be able to give him a hug personally.

And with that we both finished our cups of coffee and Lupe picked up her rifle to shoot at targets in her backyard. She says she heard that the gringos want armed security at schools and she knows it’s only a matter of time before they hire illegal Mexicans for the job.

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