Fifty Shades of 2012

So I read about this popular erotica book hitting the shelves, “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Apparently soccer moms are going crazy over this. Reading it will their children are doing homework in the same room. Creepy.

Anywho, I decided to jump on the bandwagon and release what I’m sure will become the next genre of erotica. Post Apocalyptic Erotica. Erotilyptica is what I’ll call it. And you get to read an excerpt. Enjoy but please not around kids.


The land is desolate. The future is unknown. The only thing we have is our fallout bunker and ourselves. And some powdered eggs.

Janet was sideswiped by Doomsday. Silly girl thought her mini skirt and torn shirt was all she needed. It kind of was. That’s the only reason I decided to help her.

Janet, “Thank you so much from saving me from that horde of sun flare radiated zombies. I would have died if it wasn’t for your machine gun katana.”

I replied, “It was no problem, Janet. It’s what I welded them together for.”

“Today was supposed to be my twenty first birthday party. If it wasn’t for that meteor,” she sighed. It was a long sigh full of words.

“Oh so you’re a Capricorn. Capricorns are usually known for their preparation.”

Janet huffed, “Are you saying that I’m irresponsible?”

I chuckled, “How far can you run in four inch heels?”

“Look, I’ll admit. I thought the end of the world was a big joke. I thought people like you were crazy and probably smelly. I just thought… that … not now. Why now?”

She fell into my arms, weeping from a mix of frustration and realization. She looked deep into my eyes. Her eyes were a piercing green, the color of a nuclear leak. Her body felt weak. Cold. She needed me.
I broke the silence, “Look, you need to eat. Let me start my generator and get some grub going. I hope you like canned meat.”

Janet hungrily, “Any meat sounds good right now.” She plopped down on my cot. As she stared up into nothing, I stared into her skirt. Hello Kitty. It was more of a glance that kept lingering. She caught me and quickly turned her eyes elsewhere. I swear I saw a little grin.

Janet queried, “How long do we have until this place is up and running?”

I answered, “Fifteen minutes.”

“Do you have anything I can snack on while we wait? I really need something inside me.” Her eyes were studying me. All went silent.

I gulped, “Like a protein shake?”

“I’m thinking more of a protein stick,” she suggested. ‘Does she mean my penis?’ I thought.

I checked myself as if I forgot to pack it. Before I figured anything out, she grabbed me. She looked so beautiful in emergency lighting. We kissed deep, hard, like our tongues were on the run from New World Order death troops.

I pulled away to catch my thoughts. The human race is going to need to be restarted but I only have enough food for two people max. Can I raise a child in the Apocalypse?

As I looked for a reason to stop, Janet pulled out a condom from her mini skirt pocket. “I was hoping for birthday sex tonight.” Maybe she prepared just enough.

And then… we fucked. Because there is no love making during the end of times. Not when you can hear zombies outside.

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